If you would like to receive an enlightening assessment of how your relationship is doing in these six essential dimensions of love, go the bottom of the home page Relating with Heart to order your FREE copy.
You will receive a FREE copy of the assessment by return email.
FRIENDSHIP
What does friendship mean to you? Affection and support, loyalty and companionship, feeling friendly, all seem to be part of this picture for most of us. In other words, sweet righteous companionship—the love and support of a loyal friend. Knowing I can pour out my heart to you, let you see me as I am, and that you will be there for me.
We are translating the Greek word philia here. When the American Quaker, William Penn, founded Philadelphia in 1682, he named it after a city mentioned in the Bible, meaning “the city of brotherly love.”
The Greeks felt this type of love involved getting on well with someone and experiencing mutual liking. However, the original meaning goes beyond merely liking someone to include acting out of concern for them for their own sake—being willing to act on what is best for them. Philia was used to describe the love that members of a military platoon feel for each other. Such groups can only be successful if each individual places the survival of the group above their own.
This quality is the bedrock of healthy relationships. How often have you heard someone say with pride of their partner, “we were friends first”?
Relationship partners that reflect this value are able to:
- Listen and empathize without needing to fix or respond
- Generously reflect and name the good you see in each other
- Celebrate and nurture your strengths and successes, both big and small
- Orient to nurturing and supporting us—not just you or me
Consider and share—how often or how well do you experience the following? Each reflect and journal on your own. Then set aside some relaxed time for a meaningful conversation. Do not interrupt each other. Have one person answer a question completely before switching.
- I trust that you are there for me. I can count on your support.
- I feel safe letting you know how I am feeling
- We clearly express our gratitude and affection for each other
- We bring out the best in each other
- You are my biggest fan, through thick and thin
Here is a story that illustrates this quality:
Come with me to a third grade classroom. There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, ‘Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.’
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.
As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, ‘Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!’
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful… But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else—Susie.
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. ‘You’ve done enough, you klutz!’ Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, ‘You did that on purpose, didn’t you?’ Susie whispers back, ‘I wet my pants once too.’
—Found from many sources. Excerpted here from the ebook “Please Forward: Do Not Delete—Book Two” by Lynne Gleason (4/19/12)
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
- Name three everyday tasks or activities that you enjoy sharing with me.
- What is it that makes these enjoyable?
Here are two suggestions on how grow this quality:
1) Take a few minutes every day to express to you partner the little things and big things that you are grateful for and appreciate—with eye contact and touch if possible. If you don’t see each other, you can send text, emails, voice messages, or leave written notes for each other. This can be a great dinnertime activity with family or friends.
2) Make a point to stop and celebrate your partner’s successes and achievements, little and big! Make it a special moment—use your imagination: cards, confetti, special meals, Facebook, decorations, flowers, etc.
In the Relating with Heart—Basic True Love retreat, tools for building empathy and good feelings are emphasized. It is essential to our growth and happiness to cultivate a solid ground of friendship and the ability to generously include our partner’s wishes and desires into the fabric of our relationship. Trying to resolve problems without this background of healthy connection is very difficult.
- Daily Love Connection
- Validation and Empathy
- Emptying the Jug
FUN AND PLAY
Enjoying light-hearted, energizing and renewing times, having fun together. Experiencing each other as sources of entertainment and delight—laughing, dancing, playing, finding humor and good times.
The Romans, borrowing from the Greeks, referred to public games as ludi and elementary schools (as well as various board games) as ludus. The idea included anything having to do with sport or play, and especially the kind of playful, flirtatious love and affection children experience for each other, which can be intense.
Those who manifest this quality consistently:
- Build fun and play into their lives
- Regularly set aside quality time together
- Make everyday activities enjoyable, even when—especially when—times are challenging
- Engage in the kinds of recreation that re-create you and keep you fresh
Keeping childlike innocence and fun active in your life and your relationships keeps you young and juicy. However this is not only just about playing and recreating together. It also includes bringing a spirit of fun and play even to mundane activities.
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
- Think of a time you especially enjoyed our being together
- When was that? Where were we? Describe the setting.
- How did you feel about us being together?
- What made you happy?
- What did you enjoy the most?
Then together reflect on the following:
- How many hours per week do you typically enjoy relaxing or having fun together?
Do you have specific times set aside for this? - When you are together, what percentage of the time are you experiencing something
other than enjoyment? How could you make your time together more fun? - Which shared activities leave you feeling connected and renewed?
Which ones leave you feeling more disconnected, numbed or checked out?
Activity to cultivate fun and play
Set up a weekly Follow the Leader Date where you take turns initiating and planning something creative, playful, entertaining and fun—not something you normally do together. Schedule in advance so you have at least several hours set aside for the experience. The Follower goes along as cheerfully as possible (it is a good idea to model the enthusiasm you would like to see from your partner when it is your turn). This can also be a fun family activity where each of the family members take turns as the leader and everyone else agrees to follow good-naturedly.
PASSION
Sexual passion and erotic desire—physical and emotional intimacy. Deepening sensual generosity and open communication about needs and desires.
The Greeks had mixed reactions to this form of love. On the one hand, they mistrusted the ways in which erotic passion can lead to excess and a loss of rectitude—which they held dear. In his play, Phaedra, Seneca says that Eros “smites maids’ breasts with unknown heat, and bids the very gods leave heaven and dwell on earth in borrowed forms.”
On the other hand, there was also the idea that by deeply experiencing the beauty in another, we can come to witness the essential beauty within them and, ultimately, come to a deeper understanding and appreciation for beauty itself—opening us to new dimensions of spiritual depth. Thus the mythological tragedy and ultimate triumph of the love of Eros (beauty) and Psyche (the human soul).
One could happily aspire to such love-making.
Longing is at the heart of this experience. Longing and the courage to truly desire another knowing that life is uncertain. Seeking, questioning and continuing to desire a passionate relationship and deep connection to love and beauty is the essence of eros.
How do you know if you are on the path? Consider—are you consistently:
- Bringing new experiences to keep things fresh
- Discovering new aspects and possibilities in each other
- Clearly expressing your needs and desires
- Keeping the energy and excitement growing—not resigning yourself to losing this over time
- Bringing eroticism into your lives—not just in love-making
- Incorporating all three ways to physically nourish your relationship—sensuality, sexuality, and emotional bonding
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
This is a repeating question exercise. Find a private time and place (although a quiet corner in a romantic restaurant can also work well). Ask your partner the following question and have then respond briefly with a single observation. Say thank you and repeat the question. Continue until you both feel complete and then switch roles.
What do you find beautiful about my face?
Some suggestions to bring eros more fully into your life:
1) One of the conundrums about being in a committed relationship is that, on the one hand, most of us need consistency and the trust that comes from knowing you will be there for me in order to feel safe in fully letting go into my passionate and erotic feelings. On the other hand, newness is a turn-on and mystery is exciting.
Here is a great way to have it both ways: Witness your partner interacting with other people. This is especially useful if they are engaged in an activity where they really shine in the eyes of others. This could be musical or another artistic performance like dance, an opportunity for them to exhibit leadership, attending a class together, social situations where they are at their best—anything where their natural gifts and talents are being appreciated by others.
One of the things that can go wrong in modern relationships is that we sometimes fail to cultivate friendships and connections with people outside our immediate families. Thus our impression of our partners is limited to how they are with us, when in fact we are all more multi-dimensional than we appear in any one relationship. Go witness your partner as they are appreciated by others. You can gain a whole new perspective, one that might just turn you on.
2) Consider and share—how often or how well do you experience the following? Each reflect and journal on your own. Then set aside some relaxed time for a meaningful conversation. Do not interrupt each other. Have one person answer a question completely before switching.
- I am satisfied and comforted by our love-making
- I feel attractive and confident as your lover
- There is sensual fire and passion in our relationship
- We have opportunities to see each other shine in front of other people
- I am letting you know about what I truly desire
3) Make eye contact—the eyes are a specialized form of brain tissue. I like to think that gazing into another’s eyes gives us access to their mind and heart in a way we don’t get otherwise. Do this when you are making love. Do this when you are experiencing orgasm.
4) Ask your partner to tell you the kinds of affectionate touch they like most during the day—small acts of connection that only take a few moments. Then practice doing these.
SELF-CARE
The Greek word for self-care is philautia, from the same root as phileo. In other words, being a friend to oneself. The Greeks believed that those who practice self-interest solely for the purpose of getting ahead are bad, however, those who focus on bettering themselves in service of virtue are the best kind of good.
Aristotle even suggested that love of others is simply an extension of healthy acceptance of oneself (as contrasted to narcissism, which goes inward with self-love, rather than reaching out). You cannot share what you do not have inside yourself.
It is also difficult to receive what you do not have inside yourself. We naturally tend to deflect the love of others when it is incongruous with our own self-image. We end up ripping off our partners in their desire to express their love for us if we cannot accept ourselves as worthy of it.
If this speaks to you, do this the next time you receive appreciation or a compliment:
Take a moment to reflect and consider what led the person to feel that way about you. What does it mean about you and your positive qualities that they would be moved to say that about you?
Maintaining my health and well-being, physically, emotionally, and spiritually is one of the greatest gifts I can give to those who love me—self-love in the sense of being mentally and emotionally healthy, as well as self-aware. Self-neglect in service of others is a toxic gift. Becoming solid in your sense of self-worth is important to being able to fully love others.
Reflect on how you are doing in the following four areas. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 for each item. Where are you doing well? Where could you improve in service of your well-being and availability to love and be loved? If you really want to add value for yourself, share your results with people who know you well and ask for honest feedback.
Physical Well-Being
Good nutritional habits
Enjoying regular exercise for strength
Enjoying regular exercise for endurance
Enjoying regular exercise for flexibility
Regular physical check-ups
Regular dental care
Maintaining my appearance
Enough regular sleep
Daily time to relax
Free from addictions
Spend time in nature
Sexual fulfillment
Emotional Well-Being
Good balance of social and alone time
Meaningful sense of belonging
Receiving and giving frequent acknowledgment and appreciation
Able to be aware of and express your feelings and needs
Can identify and appropriately communicate your personal boundaries to others
Able to self-regulate your emotions so you can stay calm and present, even under stress
Experiencing abundant affection and touch
Sense of humor
Having mentoring relationships
Able to seek and find support
Capable of listening with empathy and attention
Experience happiness frequently
Have several close friendships
Mental Well-Being
Stimulating career
Enjoyable hobbies and activities
Ongoing learning and personal development
Effective time management
Responsible handling of finances
Investment and retirement plan
Clarity of life purpose and effective follow through
Good self-discipline
Free from excessive worry
Generally positive outlook
Resources you can turn to for practical guidance
Embrace feedback as an opportunity to learn and grow
Spiritual Well-Being
Frequent experience of awe and appreciation
Feel a connection to a larger sense of meaning and purpose
Part of a spiritual community
Giving back and being of service
Regular spiritual practices
Aspiration to live congruent with higher values
In integrity with family and friends
Fulfilled in work and career
Experiencing belonging to community you treasure
Satisfied in your relationship with country and planet
Having inner peace and serenity
Capable of unconditional love for self and others
Take action. Identify key areas for improvement and take action. It is best to work on only a few at one time. Master them, create new habits, before trying to do too much at once. Ask for help and support.
Reflect on the following questions:
- Do you like yourself and enjoy the way you look and feel
- What is one thing you need to do for your physical health?
- What is one thing you need to do for your mental or emotional health?
- What practices do I have to help you manage stress and emotional challenges?
- In what ways do you challenge yourself to grow and learn new things?
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
- Name an area where you are taking care of yourself that you feel good about
- Describe an area you would like to improve in terms of your well-being—physical, emotional, mental or spiritual and ask for any support you may need
ENDURING LOVE
The Greek word here is pragma. The essential pragmatism, acceptance and consideration that can develop in long term relationships. The willingness to adapt, show patience and tolerance. Being able to work with differences and resolve conflicts. The ability and desire to get along with dignity and respect.
I was delighted to find that pragma is the root word for “pragmatic.” This fits with my own experience of this dimension. Pragmatic not in the sense of resignation, compromising what matters, or giving up. Pragmatic in the sense of learning what is appropriate to accept, refining my approach and timing regarding the things that do matter, and honoring my partner in all their quirks, foibles, and glory.
The underlying quality is harmony, peace and contentment, fought for and won over time—recognizing that love is about maintenance, as well as seeking.
In order for enduring love to thrive it is essential to have sufficient skill and commitment to be able to:
- Overcome resignation and stoicism by expressing your needs in a way that elicits goodwill
- Heal old hurts, so you can let go of judgments, grudges and resentments, and be fully present
- Reinforce the emotional richness and depth, the trust and respect that develop over time
- Commit to education and practices that support ongoing learning and growth together
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
- Think of someone important to you, other than me with whom you have (or have had) a long term relationship. What is their name?
- What do you value most about your connection that has had it last and endure?
Consider and share—how often or how well do you experience the following? Each reflect and journal on your own. Then set aside some relaxed time for a meaningful conversation. Do not interrupt each other. Have one person answer a question completely before switching.
- I can strongly disagree with you without feeling alienated or afraid. When I need to bring up a difference, I am confident you will listen and take me seriously.
- We are both willing to admit our mistakes and apologize
- I enjoy your quirks and eccentricities, the ways we are different
There are many ways in which the Relating with Heart—Basic True Love and Relating with Heart—Passion and Purpose retreats support enduring love. Two important methods are:
The Art of the Apology—Learning to apologize generously, using these distinctions:
- Make a clear statement that demonstrates you understand what you did that was upsetting
- Show remorse and sincerity with your tone, affect and eye contact
- Take 100% responsibility for your impact, without justifications or excuses
- Express empathy regarding your impact (regardless of your intentions)
Making Effective Requests—A big subject for learning and practice that has potent applications at work and with other family members, as well.
- Recognize the difference between effective requests vs complaints and grievances
- Why asking for changes in attitude, awareness and character are doomed to failure
- Making future focused, pro-active requests vs past-focused, blaming and shaming ones
- Making a compelling case—how this would help you and your relationship
MISSION AND VALUES
The original word here is agape, the universal love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstances. It refers to being loved by God and reflecting that love back to God and others. Thomas Aquinas described it as “willing the good of others.” In this context, we use it to mean a sense of shared mission—a connection to some greater purpose or calling. A commitment to service, community and giving back.
A clear sense of mission and purpose allows you to focus on what matters, so you can speak and think positively and act with more kindness and consideration, in a manner that is congruent with your values and desire to be of service. As a result, you are guided by principled direction and are not merely by reacting to the crises of the day. Unless we consciously take charge of our life direction, something or someone else will.
While keeping everything functioning from day to day, it is easy to miss the kind of planning and course-setting that can make all the difference in where you end up over time, individually and as a couple and family. What do you stand for and where are you going together? The process to get clear on this provides an opportunity to have deep, meaningful conversations with your family members about the things that truly matter.
In the Relating with Heart—Passion and Purpose retreat we devote ourselves to this work using a number of creative processes that evoke our highest ideals and aspirations and then ground these in well-conceived practices that support our best selves.
Take the following steps:
- Define your mission and values (individual and shared) to guide your decision-making
- Identify projects or people you would like to support and make a plan to do so
- Regularly join with others who are collectively exploring contribution, meaning and purpose
- Review your time priorities to make sure you are fulfilling your ideals and core commitments
Consider and share—how often or how well do you experience the following? Each reflect and journal on your own. Then set aside some relaxed time for a meaningful conversation. Do not interrupt each other. Have one person answer a question completely before switching.
- What contributions have I have made to some larger purpose, goal or cause that I feel particularly good about?
- What is my experience as regards being part of a larger community? To what extent am I regularly nurtured and fulfilled by these types of connections?
- What is the legacy I most want to see endure when I am gone? Speak to both your individual legacy and also to your shared legacy with your partner.
- Name the things that light you up the most
- Do you have any regrets about how you have used your time in the past?
- What are your core values?
Interview your partner to deepen the conversation:
- What were the shared values you saw in me that drew us together?
- Go both ways before going on to the next question
- Imagine your own memorial service. What would you most want others to say about you?
If you would like to receive an enlightening assessment of how your relationship is doing in these six essential dimensions of love, go the bottom of the home page Relating with Heart to order your FREE copy.
You will receive a FREE copy of the assessment by return email.
